Sunday 1s vs Hook & Southborough
Author: Anonymous English swine-Heil
Match Report |
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WARNING------DO NOT READ THIS MATCH REPORT IF YOU ARE A SENSITIVE LITTLE SOUL OR HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR………..specially BARRY, HANNAPROD, WIBBERLY On lower Richmond Rd, next to the art gallery there is a lovely little café called Calowries. From the outside it looks like an organic artisan-y little place. Its advertising promises good, fresh, wholesome food. It’s the kind of advertising that draws you in, especially if you have a bit of a hangover after a boozy Saturday night. Not only does Calowries look good, it is also open from 11 am on a Sunday which is really handy. The funny thing is that once you get inside it is really a kebab shop. It is spotlessly clean, the staff are polite, the food is certainly cooked fresh to order and the menu is extensive. It has a number of melamine topped tables surrounded but chairs that are not entirely uncomfortable. In one corner a 40 inch TV hangs on the wall playing 24 hour news or whatever sport happens to be on. You can get kebabs, pizza, burgers, salads, Indian wraps, pretty much anything a poor hangover, hungry sole could desire at 2 o/c on a Sunday afternoon when the sun has gone into hiding and dark clouds threaten rain. It really is a thoroughly convenient little place. I would certainly recommend it to all those Putney residence who have been eagerly awaiting this latest Putney CC match report….I know you are all avid readers…Charlie told me you read our reports…so it must be true… Now….this may seem an unlikely beginning for a match report but I have imparted this small morsel of culinary information for two reasons. • It seemed a lot better use of my time, and yours than having to read (or write) a blow by blow account of possible the most turgid, embarrassing, gut wrenchingly dismal, first 10 overs of batting that formed part of the opening ‘batting’ partnership by Barry and Hannaprod….and • This little café was the very place that found myself as I sought some respite from the ‘old married couple’ bickering, comical running, edge laden, sloth like, swear-fest that I had been forced to endure from close quarters as the umpire. I plump for a Caribbean Island Chicken Burger with cheese, BBQ sauce, lettuce, tomato, red onion and mayo. It cost £6.00 which was pretty good as the burger contained two whole chicken breast. I watch a bit of news whilst the chef cooked it fresh on the grill. The weather report suggested light rain showers starting at around 5 pm. Once served and packaged…I took my Caribbean Island Chicken Burger and made my way across the common back to the match. As I strolled along with thoughts of all that chickeny goodness in my hand that would soon be in my stomach, I harboured dark thoughts and threw a prayer heavenwards…… ‘Lord, if you are a merciful God, please let one of their bowlers get Barry and Hannaford out, or a very least send some heavy rain so we can stop the torture. And Lord please forgive Wibberly for organising THAT batting line up…after all he is not English, like you and me and although he has been masquerading as a vicar I don’t think it is for any sexually deviant reasons…forgive him Lord…he knows not what he does. And Father, if you could see your way clear to giving one or both of our ‘opening batsman’ a little injury….you know, nothing life threatening of course…well…no, no nothing life threatening just a tweak that will keep them out for the rest of the season that would be really helpful. Finally Lord thank you for my mum and dad and for Brooksey and Wibberly (despite his batting order) for bringing me up and for making Putney Sundays great again. And thank you lord for Will Fremlyn-Key, my new BFF. He really is a good looking lad…in a privileged, public school, ‘I say Frimmers, lets roast a few first year fags when the masters aren’t looking’, kind of way. And thank you Lord for our record breaking Sundays, 3rd wicket partnership of 177 runs. I really appreciated you making me a part of that. It really has helped to cement my place in the batting order at number 9. And thanks for Doug Shaw Lord…he knows more than you, or so he tells me and we are lucky to have him. AMEN’. By now I was getting close to the pitch and lord be praised if I didn’t see Hannaprod walking back to the Pavilion (well shed really) shouting numerous four letters words, that if repeated here would make all the residence ears bleed. I wont say what he said but one of them started with a T and ended with the leterrs W A T and another started with a C and another with a F. all of these expletives were punctuated by one name…Barry. What could have happened? One of my prayers had been answered alright but the lord works in mysterious ways. He answered my prayers but made me miss the funniest moment of the season……. I didn’t see those fateful moments with my own eyes but I was able to take a statement from an eye witness… (30 for 0 off 20 overs) I am the above named person and have been playing for Putney Sunday team for one season. At about 14.30 hours on Sunday 10th September I was on duty in full (Putney) uniform in company with several of my teammates. It was a clear day with darkening clouds and I was about 100 metres form the incident. I had a clear an unobstructed view and, because of the raised voices could clearly hear the dialogue. I have had no alcohol today, although I did drink 40 pints last night. I saw two men, who I know to be Barry Perinparaja and James Hannaprod playing something akin to cricket. They were batting, well sort of. The bowler from the opposing team served up a ‘buffet ball’ to Hannaprod who, for the first time today middled the ball with bat. The ball sped to the cover boundary. There was not a fielder within 100 yards of the ball as it trickled towards the boundary. The closest fielder was an elderly gentleman with a limp. He preceded to hobble his way to the ball. I remember thinking even Wibberly and Hogarth could run three here, even two OAPs with one leg could canter two and EVEN Barry and Hannaprod could dash a ‘quick’ single. And this is precisely what Hannaprod proceeded to do. I watched as he lumbered Hut-like up the pitch towards Barry. At this point it became clear that Barry seemed a little reticent to run. He stepped one foot down the pitch, hesitated and then returned to the safety of the crease. I think he felt that the elderly limping gentleman with 100 yards to run would be faster than him and that he might be out, which would ruin his average. And after all officer, that is what cricket is about- individual averages. Anyway…. I heard Hannaprod shouting words that sounded like ‘run Barry you mucking bunt’ and ‘Run you nunking twit’ and finally ‘you are a runt Barry’. At this time both ‘batsman’ were standing in the same crease shouting at each other. The elderly gentleman was within 50 yards of the ball and the remaining fielders were rolling around on the floor laughing. I think I saw yellow liquid seeping from several of their trousers. It was at this time I saw Hannaprod assault Perinparaja.. He clearly shoved him on the arm in what I took to be an attempt to move him from the safety of the crease. Perinparaja held firm. I am not sure how it happened but by some miracle the elderly gentleman had picked up the ball and thrown it to the now vacant end of the pitch. The stumps were broken and Hannaprod was out. I remember thinking ‘ well at least BARRY PROTECTED HIS AVERAGE…SO EVERY CLOUD”. Hannaprod then left the field repeating some of the words he had said before. I realised that I had heard incorrectly and he had been swearing. I won’t say what the words were as I know that some Putney residence read police statements, at least that’s what Charlie said. I am available to attend court or the alternative Sundays end of season do to give evidence if necessary. The rest of the day was dull by comparison but I will report it nonetheless. Amogh replace Hannaprod and steadied the ship. Another prayer was soon answered and Barry got injured…errr NO SORRY…was out off the first ball he hadn’t edged. Enter the mighty Sethi!!! Samson Like with his flowing Curly hair he strode to the crease with the words ‘I ‘ll show these goons how to bat’. Which he did. He displayed the perfect drive into mid wickets hands... it really was a lovely shot! Enter Jamola (55/3 off 25 overs)……..He was apoplectic with rage by this time, at the spectacle he had been forced to witness. His anger raged and the runs flowed. The ball flew to all parts, including one six that landed in the bar! He finally departed for a lovely 82 (a lot more for 4 off 30ish). I remember thinking. ‘Anger is the key for Justin’s batting, If only he could have batted on after he ran himself out at Richmond. He would have scored a double century! Anyway next came Wibbs and the Hoff. Both batting down the order..(they probably wouldn’t bowl as they had batted)…and they smashed some late runs. 216 for 5 off 35 overs. ( No. 8 Ballandra DNB, No.9 Hogarth DNB, No.10 Soham DNB, No.11 AJ DNB (still they will all probably get 8 overs)…….dead horse…..flogged?…or you want some more? Don’t even F@@cking ask about Barry’s TEA….. By the time we emerged from a lovely cuppa….the weather had turned. It pretty much rained constantly for 35 overs. It was grim, so I will just give you the highlights. • BALLANDRA bowled two overs and got a the opener out with his mystery ball (the triple bouncer) • Wibberly got three in his 12 overs and batted at 4…important to give everyone a go, skip. • A few other bowlers got a couple of overs and got some wickets • Barry continued to excel in the field, managing to avoid the ball at every turn because it ‘was wet’. • Amogh bagged a beauty • Soham bowled a tight line. • Hannaprod, in homage to Barry, refused to run after any ball that was more than a foot away from him • Hannaprod continued to roll the ball on the wet grass despite constant pleas from the bowlers • We won • It rained.. a lot • We got wet • Tan fielded well, got a wicket, got soaked wearing just a linen shirt, didn’t bat and was enthusiastic when his team mates got a wicket, was 68 years young and is the epitome of a team player… a lesson to us all, me thinks! • We went to the bar and drank a lot • Justin continued to be angry • Wibbs got verbally attacked but remained calm • Hannaprod purchased three cans of beer at £2 a pop for Hoggy, Justin and himself. He used his credit card. The time was approximately 20.00 hrs….!! • Sethi bought beer even though he is a student and has no money…Good show • Sethi has lovely hair • DDJ…need you ask • Champagne moment-that six from Justin that is still in orbit • MOM… Jamola, Jamola, Jamola… for a match winning innings • Alex used his special ‘I hate you…go away’ face…a lot • Putney Sundays added another great day to an already great season |
Date | Time | Team | Opposition | Location | Putney | Opposition | Result | Scores | Points | Toss |
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10/09/2017 | 1pm | Sunday 1st | Hook & Southborough | H | 219/5 | 144/6 | W | 0 |