Sunday 2s vs Hook & Southborough
Author: Stephen ‘raging boner’ Bone
Match Report |
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Exodous 16.4 Then the Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions.“ Translated- And the elderly hook captain said to Putney Sunday 2’s “I will rain down pies from heaven. Every one of you are to go out and resist the urge to hoy one into the hands of my clownishly bad fielders. In this way I will test to see whether you are the f**ckwits I assume you are” And with these words the trap was set. Not knowing what was to come a ragtag bunch of newbies nervously circled each other like street dogs. Having spent the week with Brearley’s art of captaincy under his pillow Bone swaggered to the pitch, won the toss and deferred to his team who all, bar none, begged him to bowl first. Steadfast he remained in his opinion that this was one to bat on but they turned on him, the imploring look in Ajay’s eyes was too much to resist. We’ll have a bowl then eh? What followed was 25 overs so devoid of pleasure that only the aforementioned Ajay retained his love of cricket. As their turgid openers racked up 60 the sun came out, not metaphorically, very much literally, metaphorically we were in a place so dark it made a Scottish train station toilet cubicle seem a preferable place to spend a hot 6 hours. Ajay held up an end opening the bowling and managed to look cool, calm and collected in a solid spell. Ajay is obviously used to life in the corridor of uncertainty and as such found it time and time again. Matty P kept everyone on their toes with a lively spell of fast, nippy and controlled bowling that looked wildly out of place in a team of bowling madmen who managed to amass 51 extras against them in a 40 over innings that took over 3.5hours to ‘complete’. Every single new bowler sent shockwaves through Captain (and surrogate parashav) as head high full tosses were followed by the odd one launched miles into the air or down leg side. There was even a no ball called for stepping OUTSIDE of the popping crease and a 5 for one full off the helmet. A couple of Amazing catches from Rene ‘the Gazelle’ Baylis that no one watching could have expected him to pouch put us back in the driving seat. Another inspired bit of new boy magic won the Champagne (hazy palinka) moment. Danny K bowled one hard and straight, it was drilled back at him by the batsmen, dipping down he deflected it just enough to catch the non striker in no man’s land. Amazing. Enjoy the Champagne my man, that’s a moment. Of course it can’t all be sublime. The ridiculous included Ajay attempted to catch a high one with the stance of a French waiter hilarious juggling a tray of drinks, Connor refusing to budge even as much as an inch either way whilst stood at 1st slip and Bone keeping things ticking over nicely for the batsmen by ensuring they’d never be caught behind. The pitch started to spin, tonnes. Luke abbot, resplendent In dirty kit he proudly informed us hadn’t been washed in the two years it had sat in his kit bag, the mud giving him the air of a man wrapped in the Turin shroud, which perfectly matched his heavenly spin bowling. Quality leg spin of the highest order once the nerves had settled. Another great spin effort from Our very own human Moomin Connor with what was probably ball of the day. Ripping off spinner knocking over off stump. A lot of positives from a bowling team. All 10 had an over at one point or another and all left better than they’d started. 172 to chase. And then it happened. Pie in the sky. With the boundless enthusiasm of a puppy Ajay opened the batting. Rarely will you ever see a more confident, 16 ball duck. Parshav’s eyes were too big for his belly. Planning to feast on the filth being chucked his way he chipped one up. As Pie-Fest 2018 continued Connor’s jaw dropping, first ball, forward defensive left everyone scratching their head’s. Normal service resumed as he heaved a couple of huge sixes, decided this was job done and promptly got caught on the boundary. After a couple of other cameos the general consensus was that the change bowlers would surely be better than the openers. And in a sense they were. Bamboozled by balls that came straight out of Beedle’s best selling manual ‘How I tried to start the South African space project: one man’s quest to hit the moon with a cricket ball’, the pies on offer became too much to resist. Flummoxed by how awful they were we gave away wickets for fun. As if he felt DDJ was not quite guaranteed Bone’s golden duck, and subsequent toys out of pram moment, to a ball that finally bounced for a third time before tamely hitting middle stump was especially hilarious. Whilst all about him were losing their heads it just remained for Danny K to seal his man of the match award with a devastating display of hitting made all the more head scratching by the fact he was batting with what looked like a cracked fence post. He was ably supported on his way to a half century by Rene Baylis and we inched closer and closer to the target. Alas it’s the hope that kills you and once those two had departed, unable to resist hacking shots into gleeful fielders It was all but over. Still time for glory? Nope, golden duck on debut for Rich and it’s over. Delighted with a win that clearly doesn’t come very often the opposition were damming with their praise of our effort. Motm- Danny Kohn. Wickets, 57 runs, a run out and a smile that would melt the iciest of hearts. Spend the prize money on a new coat of ronseal for that Fence post pal. Tfc- Ajay Sugavanam claims the prize of Tallest midget for opening both batting and bowling and securing exactly zero runs\wickets DDJ - Steve Bone Unfairly deemed to have dropped a couple but confirmed to have conceded penalty runs off the helmet and then thrown a tantrum after his big golden egg. Champagne moment- Danny kohn again, an outstanding run out off his own bowling earned him another shot of palinka and led to some rather unseemly gagging. |
Date | Time | Team | Opposition | Location | Putney | Opposition | Result | Scores | Points | Toss |
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13/05/2018 | 2pm | Sunday 2nd | Hook & Southborough | A | 156/10 | 171/5 | L | 0 |