Saturday 2s vs Staines & Laleham
Author: Hogarth's young apprentice
Match Report |
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***Special introduction*** Before writing, I took the opportunity to seek the wise counsel of Mr Paul Hogarth. I said, “O wise one, show me the ways of the banterous match report.” And he said unto me “well, I just try to take the piss out of everyone, especially Ockwell… I hope you weren’t offended by what I wrote about you last week.” “Absolutely not. I thought it was funny and clever,” I lied. Now I could use the platform that this match report gives me to get my own back on the Sundays. I could, in the words of the great Jacob Rees-Mogg MP, “indulge in the floccinaucinihilipilification of them”. But I won’t. Instead, out of deference to Hoagy and his status at this club, I will emulate the Sunday style for this Saturday report. So strap yourself in for a few hundred poorly constructed words, devoid of grammar, full of innuendo and overflowing with non-sequiturs, pointless tangents and lame exaggerations. ****** We all turned up to the club MASSIVELY HUNGOVER because we were all out on Friday night because we are LEGENDS. Amogh, less grandma’s shopping trolley, but very much still with bald patch, turned up to assess his troops. Sam Sud hadn’t shown up, but that didn’t worry anyone unduly. Amogh TOSSED (wehey!) and we WERE INSERTED (as it were!!) “Let’s give them a good stuffing” said Amogh (oooo matron!) I opened with the now present (but definitely not correct) Sam Sud. He had forgotten to pack supportive briefs, so his box was soon somewhere round his left knee. Weary of his winky getting swollen (but not like that!!) he set about batting in a devil-may-care total warfare kind of way. First he nearly killed mid off by drilling one along the ground only for it to bounce viciously and thud into the bloke’s chest. Then he hit one straight back which bounced off the umpire’s not inconsiderable tummy. Meanwhile I was dropped at second slip on 0, then I snicked perfectly between slip and keeper. Classy stuff. Amogh joined me and tried to pull everything (as in the deliveries - but probably women too, eh readers?!?!) but uneven bounce didn’t help. We put away the bad balls (not innuendo this time) and rotated the strike. Amogh’s stay ended with the score at 78-2. Next in was the incredibly handsome George Penfold. Move over Alex Ockwell, that’s what I say! At one point George called me through for a questionable run. Was there a single? Maybe not...but he’d established himself as the alpha male so I lost all volition and ran anyway. Good thing the throw missed. Somehow, after pumping one in the V (so to speak!!!) I brought up my 50. My first for the club. What. A. Feeling. The fact it took ages, as I emulated the would-be offspring of Boycott and Cook, is a minor detail. Sadly George got out, and in came Tush, who assessed the situation quickly: “Well our run rate is shit...no offence.” So he smacked a 6. Then got out. Doug was next and gave his own assessment of the situation. But kept it to himself. He doesn’t like small talk when batting. We were soon both back in the pavilion (well, under the Gazebo to be more precise, which the team had manfully erected [as the actress said to the bishop!!!!]). JP, back from injury and unable to run singles, chose to hit boundaries instead. Cameos from him, Mark Smith, Bri, Lewis and Michael Brunger got us up to 191. Brunger’s was particularly notable. We now realise he’s the most humble Saffer out there, because he claimed he was a no.11. Well a handsome cover drive says he ain’t. We all enjoyed Brian’s spread. According to Sam, he had spent considerable time “dicking about with a pineapple.” Not literally though!!!!!!! On the bowling. Brian opened and we were full of enthusiasm. “Go on Bra!” cheered Amogh. “Let’s go push up!” encouraged Tush. “C’mon sports!” I added. “Yes strap on….uh I mean strapless...yes…strapLESS” shouted Lewis. Bra it was who got our first breakthrough. But then a decent partnership came together. Boundaries came easily and they were quickly surpassing the rate. Then Brian made a right fool of himself by confusing the incoming square leg umpire for a member of the public: “Excuse me mate, can you go round please? Helloooo? Mate? EXCUSE ME???” We waited a good 30 seconds before pointing out his mistake. Just when it looked like a cakewalk for Staines, Mark Smith, with his planet-sized brain firing on all synapses, hatched a cunning plan. His thesis was “if x = leg stump line, and if y = sharp bounce; therefore x+y = strangled down legside.” His experiment work and he claimed his Nobel Prize for cricket. On came JP, more taped up than a BDSM enthusiast. He rolled back the years and rolled his arm over. 2 wickets in his first over, then a 3rd in the next. Boy, we’ve been missing him. 101-5 and we were up. But Staines battled on. Standards started to slip. Sam decided to have a chat and a tinny at third man with some local teenagers. Now Staines were 150-5. Bottoms began to squeak. Brunger, back for his second spell, bowled with the zen-like calm of a Buddhist monk. (Not the monks that set themselves on fire, mind). Unsure whether to stick or twist, a couple of Staines batsmen went for big shots. George completed a rapid stumping to get us a much needed wicket. It was pretty much down to their beardy bat who had made 40 (the very same man who dropped me on 0). 6 required off the last over. First ball beardo spanks one to long off, where Lewis had been showing off his prowess to the gaggle of giggling teenage girls (FIELDING prowess that is - get your mind out of the gutter readers!!!). Now came the perfect opportunity to impress. He hared after the ball like a panicked boy playing kiss chase, scooped up the ball, hurled it back and the batsman was well short. We can only wonder if he’d have showed such zeal if young ladies weren’t looking on. Bra held his nerve and bowled 5 dots, their tailender fishing hopelessly outside off stump. 95 overs in the heat…all for a “Time Losing Draw”. I mean, what does that EVEN MEAN? Cricket eh? The Make Putney CC Saturday Twos Even Greater Again Awards, The Idea For Which We Definitely DID NOT Steal From The Sundays (TMPCCSTEGAATIFWWDDNSFTS): Man of the Match: Yours truly, for the runs and a Putney top score. Mug of the Match: Brian, for asking the square leg umpire to get off the pitch. The Tush Bhakre “How on Earth did you do that?” Award: George, for very tidy keeping, and especially the rapid stumping. |
Date | Time | Team | Opposition | Location | Putney | Opposition | Result | Scores | Points | Toss |
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01/06/2019 | 1pm | Saturday 2nd | Staines & Laleham | H | 191/10 | 188/8 | LoseDraw | 7 |